So I'd like to devote this section of the course to exploring and unpacking some people and relationship
principles with you because it's one thing understanding communication skills.
They are fantastic they can enable us to communicate and give voice to that which is in us.
But then people principles stroke relationship principles are very very different.
Principles are kind of like universal truths or ideas that we fundamentally and base our lives upon.
Share with you one of these ideas you ever heard the saying that's from every little acorn can spawn
a mighty York.
Well this is kind of what principles can can be in our lifes and our relationship principle.
For example I could say if two people aren't growing together in life then they're fundamentally growing
apart.
No principles are fantastic things sometimes we'll have opinions about principles sometimes will agree
with them will disagree with them sometimes we'll you know not along and we'll buy into principles but
if we don't build them into it what life's and we cannot expect anything to change.
All right principles are kind of like the underlying ideas and the assumptions and the beliefs that
we build and base or relationships or our very lifes upon.
So just looking at this one little one idea from little acorns spawned mighty talks what I'm gonna do
my imperfect best to do throughout this video is tie together acorns little ideas mighty orcs fantastic
results and a few people principles that you're hopefully going to be able to relate to.
Why.
Because sometimes a picture can paint a thousand words.
I want to tell his story and this story takes me back to around about 2000 and eight when I was living
in the South Island of New Zealand in a place called Queenstown at the time.
Now I've been working in business and sales say for for a couple of years and I was working for it for
a media company and I love the job.
I love working there in Queenstown one of the most beautiful places in the world.
If you've ever been you'll know what I mean.
And to be honest back then whilst I was doing very very well professionally I was failing miserably
in the context of my relationships right.
The attitude that I used to take towards my relationships back then was one of what can I get.
All right.
Erm it's kind of like I looked people back then as a means by which to get something or fill a void.
So I would approach many of my relationships from this place of emptiness look into people.
So if you're gonna be the kind of person who's gonna give me something that I need or something that
I want.
No the idea is this I think I mentioned this back in section two of the course that our lives can kind
of be related to to water fountains a little bet if we have more coming out of our lives or if we are
given out more than what we're going to get in then we're gonna at some point run dry.
Well back then I used to be a very very generous person.
But I'm probably not saying that I was there was wisely generous.
I'd probably say that I was foolishly generous I would give people for the purpose of feeling better
within myself.
And anyway cut the story short and I'd reach the stage where some of my reckless decisions that I was
making back then my lifestyle choices had pretty much cost me my job.
I got called into my manager's office one day I called red shirt and he said he said Kane terribly sorry.
This really saddens me to to have to say this but your extra curricular act activities outside of work
are actually operating in conflict with the company interests.
We're going to have to let you go.
No.
You could respond by saying yes or what you lost your job everyone loses a job now and again.
Well I was left I was living in in Queenstown in New Zealand at the time and I was on a work permit
that was there was only only stood as long as I was employed by this company.
I don't.
I'd also I was going through the process of applying for residency and the conditions former residency
were that I was in full time employment and that I had full time employment to remain in for a round
about 12 months after being granted my residency.
So what I'm saying here is miraculous decision making outside of work had cost me my job when I lost
my job I pretty much lost back then wash.
Which was going to be my my future.
All right.
So anyway I've been a fantastic couple back then through the work that I was doing who invited me into
to stay with them so I ended up with a roof over my head.
And this is important because when I lost my job a lot.
I was I became legally unemployable I only had a few weeks money left to pay my rent.
So that was me pretty much facing homelessness and Dire Straits.
The biggest hole in my life that I could ever have imagined facing so anyway in the nine months of followed
I was eleven with us for this fantastic couple they've given me a roof over my head.
And I just done my best to make as much money as I could.
I do not cash in hand jobs to make my way back to the UK where I decided I was going to devote myself
to full time study and just take my life in a whole new direction the direction in which I'm actually
taking my life today.
So some of those seasons that we go through in life some people would think are here to crush us.
What I'm going to suggest is that it's some of those tougher seasons in life that actually strengthen
us and actually give us the authority upon that we stand moving moving forward.
But we'll come back to this idea in a little bit.
So I was doing all sorts of different jobs I was working as a bell as a Boden hand laborer.
I was working do indoor supervision like a doorman for some of the pubs and clubs.
I would pick cherries steam clean carpets and I also helped out on an orchard just outside the township.
And what are the guys who worked the orchard.
He'd been there for a about sort of 30 or 40 years an old guy called Mac and he was one of these these
guys who just come out with things every now and again.
Just kind of blew your mind and you talk about principles and lessons that he'd learned through life
and sometimes he would ask us to do the craziest of things what to us seemed to be crazy things anyway.
So this this morning in question I'd come along to see Mark to get my duties for the day and he said
right Ken I want you to do this I want you to brush this path I want you to fix this fence post over
here and I want you to go and make these trees grow as calmly as he said I want you to go and make these
trees grow and you give me a map of the huts some of the trees kind of circled around and he put some
some red tape around the trees that he wanted me to go make grow.
So I took the list of to dos and I thought Right okay.
Most of them I didn't question quite straightforward stuff but the whole go and make trees grow.
Well it seemed a little bit absurd.
Hey as soon as I left the little shack that he would sit in and drink tea and all day there was some
of the other guys who'd been working there for a few months longer.
They were kind of travellers and backpackers as well.
And I just said Listen man just give me as my list of jobs for the day.
And one of them is to go make some trees grow.
I mean is he going to pull them a plonker here is he can I make it fun.
Is this serious.
Ho ho to help make trees grow.
And one of the guys is are right.
Okay.
Yeah.
He told me to do the same thing.
I read about a year ago.
Come on I'll show you.
So it took me a little bit down the path where there was a Sunday one tree I am under on the ground.
If you ever look at a tree that's been kind of sawn down by a chainsaw.
You see that tree has loads of rings on it and Alice and he said to me right do you know what these
rings are on a tree by the way.
And I said yes every regulatory represents a year that is that has been alive.
So that's like the age of a tree and then the guy said well we're kind of it is a little bit but each
Ranger actually represents a season of growth.
So when a when a tree especially here in the South Island of New Zealand is going from spring to summer
or summer to winter we know that summers can be sometimes quite extreme.
Very very warm and dry.
And the winters can sometimes be very very harsh.
So what a tree will experience going from summer the winter winter to summer is like a season of crisis.
So it grows an outer layer of skin.
And that's how trees grow.
It was absolutely fantastic.
That's really really interesting stuff.
Thanks for this agricultural lesson here.
But you know how do exactly how does one make a tree grow.
And he said Well just on the same idea right you've got to understand where the life of a tree lives.
I said you know where the life of a tree lives.
I said no we don't have the faintest idea.
I think I said well it must be in the right in the middle of the tree.
Right right right in the heart of the tree the guys just will know that's not where the life of the
tree is a told the life of the tree is actually just in the outer rings.
And what you find is that the wood and the inside of a tree is just dead wood hence a reason you'll
see sometimes trees that are hollowed out from the inside but yet still be alive because all the life
of the tree is on the outer rings That's where the growth is that's where the life is life and growth
being related here in some way.
And I said Well this is fantastic.
But again how does one make a tree grow.
And he said well how one makes a tree grow is by getting a metal iron rod and it was kind of like the
steel kite baseball bat kind of bit of equipment and you walk around the base of the tree and you're
just bitter you just beat it right round the bottom outer ring.
You be bitter for around about half an hour.
No.
And talk about physically arduous work just a little better just beating a big lump of wood and I said
Okay so before I go and kind of do this I want to make sure they're not making a complete fool of myself
here.
Can I just ask why why on earth would I beat a tree for half an hour to make it grow.
This seems completely absurd.
And he said remember the life and the growth is in the outer rings of the tree.
So if you were to go round the bottom of the base of a tree and beta then what the hell you do is you
send a tree into a state of crisis then as this tree has gone into a state of crisis it's literal its
nerve endings and on its roots or whatever they're called kind of spring to attention and just start
sucking in and absorbing all the nutrients from the ground and waters and more so than what they had
done up until then to start preparing to grow an extra an extra layer.
That's how other trees grow.
Oh fantastic.
Fascinating.
It's kind of like a principle there.
And the principle is this that if you give a tree a good beating and it comes out the other side then
it grows and sometimes this principle can be applied to other human beings if you give a human being
a good beating and not talking about a physical beating.
I'm talking about when a human being goes through a season of crisis or transition or something like
this and grows over the other end.
Well once we've grown and grown and gone stronger we don't go back to our original form do we.
So it's kind of like we always grow outwards don't we.
We always grow and we become more in our outer worlds.
So the rings of a tree equals not just age but also maturity.
And the trees ability to overcome hardship it might seem and sound like I'm talking in riddles here.
But here's where I know the principal actually becomes relevant to us in the context of our day to day
lives.
Just think of trees.
And I'm still using the.
Our circles and the rings of a tree to hopefully illustrate a point here.
Have you ever noticed or are found that you've grown apart from someone.
No I don't know how long you've been on this journey of personal growth but talking from my own experience
here there are people that I used to have in my life 10 years ago that just don't have my life today.
And this is one of these principles of personal growth.
If two people in a relationship are not growing together then they're often going to unknowingly be
growing apart.
Right now I want to share with you an example here on a very very basic level right.
Talking about how our relationships with family members changes if you can understand and see this then
you're going to be able to identify how this principle hopefully can be applied and how it works itself
in all of your other relationships and virtually virtually every single area of your life.
And this is obviously what's going to send some people into a state of crisis wanting to come to speak
to a life coach because I'm not going to understand the season of life that they're in that they're
going through.
So this is the idea levels off relate ability.
I've got an idea here and this is that connection between two people is always gonna be measured in
intimacy and relate ability.
Think about those people in life that you are closest to are you closest to those people because you
can relate to them or because you can't relate to them.
And when you can really relate to someone you tend to grow or the relationship grows in intimacy i.e.
closeness.
If you can't relate to someone or if you've assumed the worst of someone or you think you've put someone
in a box and this box is in a good box then you think you can't relate to them and therefore intimacy
and connection in the relationship falls apart.
All right.
So I want to share with you a day to day phenomenon that happens in everyone's lives.
Pretty much all of the time.
This will hopefully help you understand your relationships a bit more effectively so everyone is born
into a family right.
Be this a great family be this A strong and robust family be a destructive family.
We all have one whether we love our parents or like them or whether we're doing it is absolutely irrelevant.
This for us is what's in the earlier years of our life.
We refer to as normal or even if normal is extremely normal.
Want to share with you just my own experience here and I'm hoping you can relate to it.
So up until the age of around about sixteen I've been part of this family unit and family unit is the
same as companies the same as organizations social social group social groups and societies and every
group of people has a culture.
Culture is made up of social norms and accepted behaviors attitudes actions that are deemed as okay
and those that aren't.
So when we're brought up in a family unit for example and there's just an etiquette isn't there there's
a way that we do it it's OK to behave this way.
It's okay to communicate and as a way that just don't go there all.
All right.
And if one breaks the rules if one acts out of accordance with what codes or status is OK then one gets
into trouble one ends up having problem problems with the rest of the group who are who are kind of
operate in an alignment with the with the rules so say for example one person then in the family unit
was to leave the family unit and join the military or move to foreign country or overcome some huge
massive personal professional issues challenges go through season after crisis after season of crisis
after season of crisis after season of crisis.
Here's the thing right when we go through crisis in life it's not like we look back to where we've come
from and say or let me just run away we were only we will ever experience difficulty in crisis because
we tend to choose to fight through crisis all right when we fight through crises we eventually break
through crisis and become stronger on the other side.
All right.
Same idea as a biceps of a tear to muscles or for me if a tear muscles when lifting physical weights
and the heart to begin with and then they eventually grow and come back stronger.
Well this just was trooper for for us in the context of a relationship as well.
So for example one person in your family unit is growing outside of the comfort zone the face and challenge
the face in crisis they're growing and all the rest of it but everyone else in the family unit here
isn't what happens when this person eventually goes back to family unit.
Well that's going to seem and feel like a bit of a disconnect like a bit of a gap or a cavity or a void
or something like this and some people in the family unit will just say you've changed.
It doesn't feel like you're the same person anymore.
We just can't relate to you.
We just don't know who you are anymore.
We we just we just can't see you.
You've changed.
And when people who are comfortable in change Luka someone who they used to be able to relate to and
say you've changed.
Change is generally seen and deemed as being negative or being a a bad thing.
But what I'm going to say in this context is change is generally just growth and all growth is good
and all growth is in maturity an old growth is spiritual.
Right so here's the thing.
If two people or a group of people are all growing together then they're going to be grown apart.
If one person's growing independently apart from the rest and one passion is growing apart from the
rest.
Are you with me.
Do you understand.
All right.
So on a personal level having stepped outside the family unit at the age of 16 to join the military
the rest of my family stayed inside of the hub.
I went through ten years or nine ten years in the military I went to war on Iraq and all that kind of
stuff and ended up leaving the military which was another transition.
Another season of crisis another season of transition in life.
And then I ended up moving across to the other side of the world Australia for a fresh start which was
again stepping outside the comfort zone pushing myself looking for something and then I moved across
to New Zealand and then I experienced more crisis and then I moved back to Scotland met a family and
they said we can't relate to you anymore.
We don't know who you are.
You've changed You aren't the same person that we raised.
Well of course.
And what's true for me is also going to be true for you because we've grown.
Many people see personal growth as a bad thing all right but it's never a bad thing.
Old growth can only ever be good.
So here's the thing.
All right.
The reason to share with you this idea is to really provoke you to think about the seasons of life that
have stretched and grow in you the most because we are many people see challenge obstacles crisis as
being barred as being negative and it's those seasons of life the stretches and groups the most and
when we look to identify the lessons that we've actually learned through those seasons of crisis and
change in our life.
Well this is what gives us that relate ability factor that other people i.e. our future life coaching
clients are gonna be able to connect and relate to and may not even be the case that our clients can
relate to.
Our actual stories and it may not be the case that we can relate to our clients actual stories but what
we can relate to is the process of growth and transition and change the were going through especially
if we've gone there fast.
All right.
And this is one of the fantastic things about life coaching we might not ever be able to understand
another person's perspective and why they're making the choices or decisions that they're making.
But if we can see that a person is on this journey of personal growth and buys what gives us the relate
ability factor OK so I'm gonna rob this video up here.
Just one simple idea.
If two people are not growing together then they will be growing apart.
This is gonna be true in the context of your family relationships in the context of your marriage and
the context of your friendships.
Just another idea.
Remember Ram bless this family unit here.
For me was was military friend about nine 10 years now would have said back in 2004 the best friends
I have our hearts.
Well my old army buddies my old army comrades.
And that was true until that until the day that I left the army.
Right.
I remember going back to visit a number of the guys around about 12 months twelve months later after
leaving and I was met with closeness and you know that that kind of just the standoffish ness.
I said what was happening was going on it doesn't seem like was you know closure is what we used to
be.
And they said it's because we're not because you left us you left us to go and do something different.
All right.
So share with you this one little idea that two people aren't drawn together.
They will be growing apart.
Interesting an idea that is one of these ideas that can send people.
And believe it or not into them all sorts of states of crisis.
So going to share with a few more people principles and videos that follow.